[/b][/center]
"Damn it, how does Japan work these things... hello? Hello?" Static fades into a fuzzy shot of a red, white, and blue carpet. The camera spins dizzyingly for a few seconds before coming to rest pointed at the face of a bespectacled blonde man. "There. I think it's on now." He clears his throat, then pulls out a stack of index cards from the back pocket of his jeans and begins to speak.
"It has recently come to my attention that we are facing a new threat," the man says. "A threat the likes of which this world has never seen. A threat that will destroy everything we know and love unless someone can put a stop to it. And that threat is..."
Here he pauses for dramatic effect, leaning in close to the camera. His eyes are wide, his expression urgent.
"That commie bastard and his demon spawn!" he shouted, all pretense of professionalism gone. "They're
everywhere, and they just
keep coming! There are more of them every day! They're in ur countriez, plotting ur d00m! And you know the worst part? He's getting laid more than me!"
"Alfred, there are children watching this!" snaps a voice from off-camera.
"Sorry, Matt," the man sighs.
He shuffles through the index cards. Now that he's no longer yelling at the camera, the sound of Miley Cyrus' "Party in the U.S.A." can be heard in the background.
"Anyway... as the HERO, obviously I can't just let The Red Terror and his hellspawn take over the world! Duh! And that's where all you guys come in!" He beams, apparently talking to some imaginary audience. "Y'all are my kids, so naturally you can kick his kids' asses--"
"Alfred."
"Mattie, I'm trying to make a speech here. The point is, kids, you all are going to be awesome or my name isn't ALFRED FREEDOM JONES." The man strikes a heroic pose. "Well, I guess it's only fair that you know the whole story before you go be awesome and save the world. And I'm all for fairness, because I'm AMERICA. F*CK YEAH."
"Alfred!"
"I'm sorry, Mattie! Forget your mom, kids, he's real repressed and all. Though it turns out he's got a lot more France in him than you'd expect--"
"You did not just allude to our sex life on a tape for our children."
He laughs nervously. "Well, anyway!" he begins, ignoring the second blonde man who has appeared in the corner of the shot, glaring murderously and looking inexplicably pregnant. "It all started one day at the World Conference..."
---
Three young children sat on the living room floor, staring at the TV screen as the home movie played on. "Yes," America said to himself. "This just may work." He placed his hands on his hips in a victory pose. "Ah ha ha ha ha," he laughed triumphantly, pronouncing each "ha," "the commie bastard won't know what hit him!"
"ALFRED."
"Sorry, Matt. ...Ah ha ha ha."
CHAPTER ONE
Alfred had no idea who had proposed the “bring your kid to work” day but, whoever had, well, he loved them. Alfred
loved “BYKD” because, well, he had fifty kids and man, did he love them to oodles and oodles. They were his states, his kids and it would be an understatement to say Alfred spoiled them. Because Alfred didn't spoil them, no, he
showed them with gifts and silly trips. Most of them were old enough to take care of themselves by now but, the younger two, Alexei and Haukea (Alaska and Hawaii, respectively) still lived with him so, he could spoil them whenever. Alexei was a bit of a nerd, himself and Haukea was odd in her own little way but, Alfred really did love the little scamps. Last year at “BYKD” Alexei had gone with Alfred to the World Conference in London, England so, this year it was Haukea's turn. Luckily though, they didn't have to travel much. The conference,
this time was being held in D.C., which, you know, was where Al lived so, yeah.
Everything was hunky-dory.
So, seeing as he did
live in D.C., Alfred was the first to arrive at the conference. His boss had been rather adamant about the fact that he
had to arrive there first, he was hosting it, after all, and it would only be polite. Well, whatever. Alfred wanted to get their first, anyway, to get the best seat. (Of course, the seats were assigned but, Al didn't know that.) The conference room was, as expected, empty when they arrived and, seeing as there were no guards, either, Al decided to make the best of it for his little girl.
“And The Hawaiin jet has taken offff~” Swinging the six year old high above his shoulders, the blond man grinned with childish glee as the little state shrieked and giggled. “Eee, Daddy!” Kicking her legs around, the black haired girl shrieked as her father swung her low, dropping her on the big fluffy couch in the conference room.
“Oh no! I crashed!” Alfred gasped in fake horror at this statement, plopping his hands on his cheeks. “Oh no, Haukea! What are you going to do?” The little tanned girl pursed her lips for a moment, before shrieking and running at her father's legs. One little sidestep though, caused her to crash face first into the figure who had just arrived at the door.
The figure gave a little shrill gasp, pulling a little tyke in their arms closer to their chest. “Ah, Haukea, be careful!” The blue eyed girl blinked, glancing up at the figure. Who was he? He looked a lot like her daddy...
Alfred though, knew who it was instantly. “Mattie!” The curly haired nation, Canada, looked up as he heard his name and smiled. The little tyke in his arms, Nuvanut, blinked sleepily before leaning back against her father's chest. “Aww, you brought Nadia?” The Canadian shuffled, nodding sheepishly. “Yeah, North West couldn't watch her so...” he trailed off uneasily, “you know how it is, eh?”
Al blinked. “Not really!” Well, yes, of course he didn't. Nadia's existence, after all, was something that somewhat put everyone off but, that was a topic for another day. There were actually quite a few things that put the other nations off about the North American twins, especially after that 2012 incident... Yes, especially after that incident. Everyone was pretty sure England, Arthur, whatever, hadn't really gotten over the shock.
Speaking of Arthur.
“Oi, hope we're not interrupting anything.” There, standing behind Matthew in the hall, stood the Englishman alongside Francis, and, well, two kids Alfred didn't really recognize. Francis gave a roll of his eyes, muttering something to Arthur in french, before turning back to the North American twins and grinning. “Matthieu! Alfred! You two have been well, yes?”
Mattie gave a sheepish grin, nodding and it was about that time others started showing up. Everyone was seemingly avoiding Al, poor guy (again, the 2012 incident) but, then again, maybe it was because he was loud. There also seemed to be a bit of a bigger turn out of kids this year too, which Alfred had to guess was because of countries adding on provinces or new territories.
Wait- He would know about that, wouldn't he?
Well,whatever. A lot of the kids were freaky though, with big purple eyes like someone Alfred knew-
“Ah! America, you did not bring Alexei, sad.”
Ivan.Turning round, Alfred squared his shoulders and sought out Haukea, bringing her close to his side. “Why would that matter to you, Commie?” The big nation looked hurt, for a moment, before grinning. “I wanted to see him! Give him present, for his birthday, da?”
Snorting, the American man placed one hand on his hip and looked the bigger nation over. “Yeah, well what makes you think he wants to see you?”
“Ah, America, why so hurtful? Alexei would want to see his Papa, da?”
“Yeah! And he sees
me everyday, so why don't you take that pipe of yours and-”
“Alfred! Why don't you start the conference, already, eh?”
Stopping short, the blond rolled his head, turning to stare at Matthew, who was proceeding to glance unnervingly between the Russian man and Alfred. Ivan gave the curly blond a long, hard stare before smiling. “Ah! Canada! You've signed the papers, da?” The canadian gave a sheepish squeak, shaking his head. “Uh- Yukon doesn't really want to go with you, Russia.... so... eh...”
The violet eyed man sighed, frowning for just a moment, before grinning again. “Oh, well, she change her mind soon.” Mattie gave a tiny squeak, moving just a bit closer to Alfred while nodding. “Right...” Alfred snorted from next to Matt, rolling his eyes towards his twin before scooping down to pick up Haukea, who had watched with a mix of awe and confusion.
“Well, Miss Haukea, you ready to help me with the conference?” The Hawaiian girl gave a squeak, throwing her hands up. “Yussir!” Alfred grinned. “Good!”
- - -
Dear God, this was so
boring. Ugh, why did Monaco have to go on and on about her economy. Alfred
didn't caarree, he wanted some action! Not to mention to get away from all these kids. It was like, damn, kids out of the wazoo. All with their creepy smiles and violet eyes, especially Francis's girl. Celeste or whatever, she was freaky. Belarus freaky, always staring and then grinning, it was freaky. Alfred didn't want to know what kinda of freak Francis had to knock up to end up with
that girl.
(He kind of wanted to know where he hid her, though, because she looked about thirteen but, Alfred was
sure he hadn't seen her before.)
(Weird.)
Actually, a lot of these kids Alfred hadn't seen before. Well, Arthur's he had seen before, once, the embodiment of Southampton or something. Alfred felt inclined to like the little guy, except, well, then he started getting all chummy with Francis's creepy girl and that need went out the window.
But, seriously, this meeting was
boring! Weren't they suppose to do fun stuff, for the kids? At least Haukea was sitting still, she was well behaved like that. That Italian kid though-
Urrrgg it was like watching a tiltawhirl.
Rolling his head to the left, Alfred gave Matthew, who was sitting next to him, a hard stare. Matthew, for the most part, did try to ignore him but, it was hard to ignore someone like Alfred.
“
What?!”
“
Knock knock.”
“
Alfred no, pay attention.”
Groaning, the American leaned to the left, kicking the side of Matthew's leg not-so-gently.
“
Alfred, I'm serious!”
Hmphing, the younger blond turned away, scowling. His eyes shifted to the right, across the table where Ivan was sitting. Damn commie, trying to bother Matthew with his stupid commie ways while drinking out of his stupid commie mug- Hey, wait, that was actually a nice mug. Looked a lot like one of Al's own mugs, except it didn't have the words “#1 DAD” printed across it.
Wait-
It did.The hell!?
Before he knew it, Alfred was on his feet pointing at the Russian man. “What the hell?! Since when have you been a dad?!”
Everyone in the room slowly turned their attention on the blond, giving him a long, pointed stare.
From beside him, he could hear Matthew slam his head onto the table but, THAT DIDN'T MATTER.
No, what mattered was that THE COMMIE HAD KIDS.
From somewhere near where Germany was sitting, someone coughed, breaking the awkward silence that had gathered since Alfred had shouted.
“Uh...” That was Arthur. “Alfred, you
do know who Alexei's father is, right?”
The blond turned, staring at the englishman. “Yeah! Tony but, what the hell does that have to do with this?”
You could nearly hear Matthew pound his head harder into the table.
Arthur stared blankly at the American, deadpanning. “Tony.” “Yeah, Tony.”
Ivan, from where he was sitting, blinked, slowly glancing down at his mug and then back at the blond man. “Ah, America, I have many children. They all love their Papa much too!” Grinning, the large man brought the mug up to his lips, taking a sip of what Alfred had to presume was vodka.
“What- But-”
Alfred stopped short, suddenly spotting a glance of Francis's daughter out of the corner of his eye and, then, of Feliciano's son, then Arthur's son and even Cuba's little mini-me. It was then something dawned on Al, they all had violet eyes.
They all had violet eyes.
Oh my God.
OH MY GOD.CHAPTER TWO
The next day found Alfred in the Oval Office at five in the morning, a number of large graphs in tow. President Barack Obama was sitting at his desk, looking tired and a little impatient, while a few government agents stood around him and stared at the graphs, clearly bewildered.
"Mr. Jones... was it truly necessary to call a meeting at this hour?" the President asked, massaging his temples with one hand.
"You bet!" Alfred exclaimed, pulling a pointer out of the pocket of his bomber jacket and jabbing the end of it at one of his graphs, which began in the year 10,000 B.C. and continued to modern day. The line on the graph was flat for millennia, rising dramatically in the decades after World War II and continuing higher until it flew off the top of the page.
"This graph shows the increase in commie spawn over time," he explained, tracing the red line with the end of his pointer. "As you can see, within ten years, we will be facing a serious problem."
The federal officials looked unimpressed. Alfred frowned and went on. "Russia has children everywhere," he said, moving his pointer to another graph, this one a map of the world with all of the countries save for the United States colored in bright red. "A decade from now, this is what the world could look like!" he exclaimed, pulling a Sharpie out of his pocket and scrawling the letters "USSR" across the map.
The President looked at the Secretary of Defense and then back to Alfred. "So what do you propose to do about this?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.
"I thought you'd never ask!" Alfred replied excitedly, grinning. "My first plan is to nuke the bastard, but if you have some environmental worries about that, we can always kidnap him and hold him hostage until they promise to call off their plans for world domination instead..."
President Obama looked tempted to slam his head into the desk. That happened to people a lot when Alfred talked -- he couldn't figure out why.
"Ah... Mr. Jones, I realize that you're very concerned about this, but currently there are just so many important problems facing our nation for me to feel justified in... well, attacking Russia," the President said, grimacing. "We already have our hands full with health care reforms, elections, the BP oil spill... I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you."
Alfred nodded solemnly. "I expected you to say that," he said, sounding worryingly determined. "It looks like I'll have to take matters into my own hands." With that, he gathered up his graphs and strode out the door.
"What... Mr. Jones, what are you planning to do?" the President called after him, but Alfred couldn't hear him over the sound of his own heroism.
---
About five minutes into the first (and probably only) meeting of the "Ivan Braginsky Is the Father of My Child Club," Alfred knew this force he was up against was even more powerful than he had thought. As he'd expected, Katya and Toris were the first to arrive. Initially, he had been pretty sure that the two of them combined were the parents of at least a third of Ivan's children, but the countries kept arriving, and he was soon forced to acknowledge that there were way more spawns out there that he thought.
Matthew was there, along with England, France, both of the Italy brothers, Japan, China, Latvia, Estonia, Austria and Hungary, Greece, the Scandinavians... even Germany and Prussia were there, neither of them looking happy. Was every single nation in the world the parent of one of Ivan's little demons?
Switzerland and Liechtenstein weren't here... no, wait, they had just sneaked into the meeting and were standing awkwardly at the back of the room. The only ones not present were Sealand, thank God, and Belarus. But wait a second, who was that kid over there?
Sealand?
"Peter!" Arthur gasped, scandalized.
"HOW IS THIS HAPPENING," Alfred lamented.
"This is all your fault, you jerk!" shouted Peter, stomping up to Arthur and jabbing a finger into his chest.
"My fault?" Arthur asked, his eyes wide. His bushy eyebrows were raised almost to his hairline.
Francis leaned over, chiming in, "Ah... perhaps if you were not a failure as an elder brother, poor Peter would not have to instead seek attention from large Russian men?" Arthur proceeded to strangle the Frenchman until Matthew managed to pull him off.
"SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE," Alfred yelled from behind his podium. Everyone fell silent, staring up at him. "You can't seriously be saying that you all just agreed to have Russia's children!"
Arthur scoffed at him. "Of course not! Frankly, I... well, I'm not quite sure how it all happened. It's all a tad blurry."
At that, Francis went oddly pale and raised a hand. "Ah, well... if it is of any note, I recently found that some of my... er, possessions... have gone missing." Everyone in the room turned to glare suspiciously at him.
"What the hell, France!" Switzerland finally exploded. "Are you saying those were
your roofies?"
Immediately, chaos broke out. Arthur was attacking Francis again, and everyone in the room had some combination of horror and disgust on their face. "You git!" the Englishman was screeching, "I should have known it was your fault! I hope you're proud of yourself for impregnating the entire world!"
"Je ne savais pas!" Francis cried, shielding his face and reverting back to his own language in the commotion.
"And who the bloody hell gave you drugs in the first place?" Arthur continued, irate. Ludwig was glaring at France in a murderous sort of way, while Matthew looked on, shaking his head.
While Vash, Roderich, and Elizaveta got in line for their turn to beat Francis, Alfred was plotting his next move. Ivan was even sneakier than he had anticipated, but as the Hero, there was no foe he couldn't defeat. He scanned the crowds. Yes, he was going to have to fight fire with fire if he wanted to save the world.
"We'll see who's #1 Dad," Alfred muttered to himself with a manic grin.
CHAPTER THREE
In retrospect, Alfred was pretty sure he should of waited until the next World Conference to put his plan into motion. It would of made finding everyone easier, at least. But, no, Alfred just couldn't wait six months or until the next international crisis.
This, this right here was a crisis of ultimate proportions. Unfortunately though, no one else seemed to think so but, that was alright. Alfred could do this all on his own. He had a
plan, the best plan ever!
The President was probably going to skin him for “borrowing” one of the fastest jets they had but, oh well, that could wait.
HE HAD TO SAVE THE WORLD, FIRST!
London, England was the first stop on his “trip” and, so, Arthur was the first nation he was marked to visit. Arthur could be a bit of a stick in the mud but, he would
have to see the dire of the situation, right? He was smart, sometimes, he'd probably see the
~genius~ of Alfred's plan and just have to agree! So, with that in mind, Alfred sought out Arthur's little house in London, knocked on the door, and gave a bright big grin when the English man opened the door.
“...Alfred? What the bloody hell are you doing in London-”
“Arthur!” The green eyed man stared at the American's large grin, already mentally groaning. “What do you want, Alfred?”
“Sleep with me~! It's to save the world-”
BAM!
Alfred squeaked, rubbing his nose where the door had hit it, when Arthur had slammed it close. Well, that sucked.
Oh well, Arthur was an ass, anyway! Maybe he'd have better luck with Franics...
- - -
Paris was a nice city, Alfred had decided. Wasn't as nice as
his cities but, still, it was okay. (But New York would still, always, be better.) Francis's house, on the other hand, was even nicer then the city itself. It was
huge (over compensating, much?) with a big ol' garden and, what use did Francis have for all this stuff, anyway? Most of it was junk or other needless things. Snorting, Alfred tried to keep his mind on his
mission. Francis would love to help, right? Yeah, he was a self proclaimed “ladies' man” and “ultimate lover”, he should have no objection! Squaring his jaw and trying to make himself look as “handsome” as possible, the American knocked on the huge front doors.
A thirteen year old with violet eyes answered.
Shit, the COMMIE.Glaring at the curly haired girl, the American attempted to lean over her, to see into the house. “Hey hellspawn, where's your dad?”
The little girl blinked, shielding Alfred's view with the door. “.....Busy.”
“Yeah, well, can you get him, I need to talk to him-”
BAM!
“Aw, man! What the hell?!”
WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.
Glaring at the now closed front, door, the American pouted, whatever he'd come back later.
- - -
“Antonio! Vamos a hacer el amor en! ”
“.....No.”
- - -
“VASH! IT WAS JUST A JOKE, AGH! PLEASE STOP SHOOTING AT MEEE!”
- - -
He wasn't going to even
attempt to ask Lili.
- - -
“Alfred, this is President Obama, I keep getting calls about you sexually harassing the other nations... Please stop before we have an international incident on our hands.”
---
“Ludwig! Sleep with meee! It's to save the world!”
“.....The hell, Alfred?!”
“Please!”
“After the 2012 incident... nein.”
- - -
Damn it! Why was everyone saying no?! So, Natalia could obsess over Ivan and want to marry him and no one bats an eye, but, he and Mattie make out and everyone's suddenly all “eww”. THIS WAS DISCRIMINATION. THIS WAS WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO WORK AGAINST!
Scowling, the American pouted in the seat of his jet. Oh well, he still had a few people left, he still had a chance to SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE COMMIES.
- - -
Alfred felt a little out of place, here in Warsaw, to say the least. He couldn't really
remember the last time he had been here, if he had been here at all. He couldn't stop to try to figure it out though, he had a mission to complete! He had to find Feliks's house, after all, Feliks hated the commie bastard just like Alfred hated him! He would definitely agree with Al's plan, right?
Right!
So, Alfred set out, wandering throughout the city. He was pretty sure Feliks's house was pink so, he was on the lookout for anything like that. Pink and with ponies out front. Horses were manlier, in Alfred's opinion, but these were Polish ponies so, he supposed they had to be a little girly.
Annnd, there it was. A giant, pink, mansion with ponies running around. ....What the hell Feliks, what the hell.
Shaking his head, the American man sauntered up to the house, knocking on the door. Feliks opened, blinking in confusion up at the taller American.
Alfred, grinned, flashing a thumbs up to the Polish man. “Oi! Feliks, you like ponies, right?”
“Like, totally.”
“Well then, save a pony, ride a cowboy!” His cheesy grin grew ten times as big, with this line, and Feliks stared up at the American for a moment, before grinning.
“Like sure, you're totally cool, Alfred!”
The blond blinked, dumb struck (he had been rejected all day, after all) before straightening up. “So that's a yes?”
“...Like, ...no.”
The door slammed in his face.
“DAMN IT!”
- - -
“TORIS, TORIS, OPPEENN THE DOOOORR!”
Alfred was miserable. EVERYONE WAS REJECTING HIM. Why, whyy were they rejecting him? His plan was genius, GENIUS. They must of all been under
THE COMMIE'S MIND CONTROL. This went deeper then Alfred thought, much, much deeper.
“TORIS, YOU HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ME, OPEN THE DOOR!”
The door Alfred was currently pounding on creaked open, revealing a brunette man and bunches of children behind him. “W-what- Alfred?” The blond man reached forward, grabbing the Lithuanian's man's shoulders, shaking them.
“TORIS, TORIS YOU HAVE TO- ....sleep... with- ...me-” He stopped short, glancing at a small toddler who had appeared next to Toris's legs. It was... it was a Mini-Russia.
OH GOD. Toris seemed to not notice, though, because he just kept staring at Alfred like he was a lunatic.
“What- Alfred,
why?”
“To.. t-to save the world- WHAT IS THAT?”
Toris glanced down, blinking at the sight of the toddler. “Oh! That's... Ivan.. uh... Ivan Junior.”
“.....Ivan Junior.”
“...Yes.”
The violet eyed tyke gave Alfred a long, hard stare before chucking a plastic toy at the blonde. “BAD, BAD MAN! OUT!”
“Ivan Jr., no!” “NO, THE HELLSPAWNS HAVE STARTED THEIR ATTACK!” “Alfred, calm down, he won't hurt you- AGH! IVAN JR., NO! STOP HITTING DADDY!”
“NYET! BAD MOMMY, FIX ME FOOD! NOW, NOW!”
Alfred ending up running away from Toris's house, he never really did get an answer but, he labeled the whole situation as a “no”.
And, in that case, that only left one more person for Alfred to ask.
Giving a feeble squeak, the man sunk deep into the seat of his jet, pulling out his cellphone. Dialing one of the few numbers he had memorized, Alfred waited until the person on the otherhand had picked up before speaking.
“MATTTIIIEEE! NO ONE WILL SLEEP WITH ME!”
CHAPTER FOUR
After the many years he had spent in the company of his questionably sane family, Matthew Williams considered himself pretty hard to surprise. He was used to stopping Francis from molesting various nations and non-nations, Arthur from accidentally blowing up the kitchen, and Alfred from... well, nuking the entire world, among other things.
But this? This totally blindsided him.
"Al, what the hell?" he exclaimed.
Sometimes when Alfred was in a particularly stressed emotional state, the slightest challenge of his opinions or statements set him off. This was one of those times.
"WellIvanhaskidswitheveryoneandhe'sobviouslytryingtotakeovertheworldbutnobodybelievesmeandIwastryingtogeteveryonetohavesomekidswithmesowecouldfighthimyouknowbecauseI'maHERObutallofthemsaidnoandandand--"
"ALFRED. Calm. Down."
Alfred stopped talking. Matthew rubbed his temples while he listened to his brother's uneven breathing. "Al? Please tell me you're not crying right now," he groaned.
"I'm not!" he insisted fiercely. "Heroes don't cry!"
Matthew sighed. "Yeah, alright," he said. "Anyway, let me get this straight, you think Ivan is trying to take over the world with his children?"
"Not children, DEMON COMMIE SPAWN."
"Fine, demon commie spawn." At this point, Matthew knew when not to argue with Alfred. "And to, er, combat this problem, you decided it would be a good idea to proposition all the countries of the world?" Alfred didn't reply. "Seriously, Al? After the 2012 incident?"
"You know, Ludwig mentioned that too! I don't know why," Alfred said.
Matthew slammed his head against the wall a couple times.
In 2012, Sealand had decided that maybe the world would recognize him as a nation if he pranked them all. (Matt wasn't really sure why, but he wrote it off as some sort of faulty logic the boy had developed due to Arthur's neglecting him.) He spent the first several months of the year convincing everyone that he was receiving prophetic visions of the world ending, and even fabricated some allegedly "ancient" evidence that he'd unearthed while swimming in the English Channel.
Sometime in March, he started warning everyone that the end was near, and they should seek shelters and get ready for the apocalypse. (It sounded pretty ridiculous now, but at the time it had been really convincing.) Immediately, the world went into overdrive; Arthur was baking huge batches of scones and then trying to preserve them in case the food supply was contaminated in the disaster, and Francis was sleeping with even more people than usual, fearing that he might never again be able to "spread
l'amour," as he put it.
Ivan, for his part, was walking around with a bottle of vodka in hand, grinning cheerfully while everyone else worried. Alfred was under the impression that the apocalypse would be caused by global warming rather than nuclear war or a pandemic. At some point, he broke out his Bible (his accent also got more and more Southern as the stress grew) and started building an ark.
"C'mon, Mattie!" he shouted every time Matthew went to go check on his mental health. (He, like all the saner nations, was building bomb shelters.) "Y'all can help me look fer some animals to put on this here ark, so's we can repopulate after the Great Flood! Praise the Lord!"
March came to an end, and Sealand faked having a fit at the emergency world meeting held every week, claiming that the next day would be the end of life as they knew it. When through sheer coincidence it started to rain the next morning, all the nations arrived in Washington D.C. in a panic and tried to board Alfred's ark.
Eventually, the fear reached a boiling point when Italy started wailing that he didn't want to die. Soon everyone was flailing about the room, but the chaos came to an abrupt end when Alfred grabbed Matthew's hands. "Mattie," he cried out dramatically to his bewildered twin, "we may never get the chance to do this again, so here goes--"
"April Fool's, you jerks!" Sealand shouted, bursting through the door, but the other nations barely noticed him, too busy gaping in horror at America and Canada, making out on the conference table.
Matthew shook his head and sighed. Honestly, the situations Alfred got them into. Months had passed since then, and a lot of the countries still gave them strange looks when they passed by.
(It probably didn't help that Nunavut was both Matthew's daughter and his granddaughter, thanks to the vodka Russia had brought with him when he visited Northwest Territories that one time. And he thought he was going to get custody of Yukon? Yeah, maybe if he went to rehab first.)
"Well, great," Matthew said. "What do you want me to do about it?"
Alfred was quiet for a moment. Now, many people might assume that this silent meant Alfred was regretting bothering his poor brother to complain about such a ridiculous problem. Matthew, however, knew better. When America was quiet, he was plotting something, and it was usually something idiotic.
"Mattieeee," he called.
Oh God. Matthew knew that tone.
"What, Al?" the Canadian grumbled. He was not going to do whatever stupid thing his brother was trying to persuade him to do.
"Wanna be my Dairy Queen and I'll be your Burger King?" Alfred asked in a disturbingly sultry way. "You treat me right, and I'll do it your way~"
Matthew hung up on him.
- - -
Say what you would about Alfred F. Jones, but the man was
persistent as hell. He called Matthew's house twelve times in a single afternoon, while Matt was trying to cleanse his mind of the memory of his brother's awful taste in pickup lines.
Leave it to Al to propose an incestuous relationship by talking about his fast food chains...
"Really? Really?" Matthew moaned to himself, rolling back and forth on the couch in agony.
When the phone rang for the thirteenth time, he stomped into the kitchen to pick it up. "Alright, now, that's enough," he snapped, "kindly stop harassing me or God help me, I will--"
"
Matthieu?" came Francis' voice, sounding bemused.
"Oh!" Matthew said, "
Pardon, Papa, I thought you were Alfred."
Francis sighed in understanding. "What has he done this time,
mon cher?" the Frenchman asked. Like Matthew and Alfred, Francis was currently a nation in disgrace, though in his case it was because he had unwittingly provided Ivan with the drugs he'd then used to knock out and impregnate the entire world.
"Ah, it's not important. How have you been? I spoke to Arthur the other day, and he still sounded pretty upset--"
The phone beeped at him. He had a call waiting.
"...Could you hold on a moment?" Matthew asked, pressing a button and switching to the other line. His left eye was starting to twitch.
"MATTIE," Alfred exclaimed before he even had a chance to speak. He had the urge to hang up again, but the American continued, "Look, I'm sorry. You know, I don't want to offend you or anything, it's just, I really need your help and I wasn't sure what to do and--"
He rambled on, but Matthew had sort of zoned out. Apologizing wasn't one of Alfred's strong points. This idiotic conspiracy theory must actually mean a lot to him...
Oh no. No way.
Don't give in, don't give in, Matthew repeated to himself in his head, but it was no use. Alfred was like a kicked puppy when he didn't get what he wanted, and Matthew Williams was many things (among them a crazed hockey fan, a maple syrup addict, and apparently an incester), but he was not a puppy kicker.
"Fine," he said. "I'll do it."
He had the feeling he was going to regret this.
[/ul]
